Harry Styles Horny for Produce in ‘Watermelon Sugar’ Video

Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude.

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What I absolutely did not expect to come rolling across my timeline on this Monday in the 112th week of quarquar is Harry Styles in a crocheted shirt performing an ode to how much he wants to bang a watermelon right now. Abso-fruit-ly not! The melon is the sensual star of Styles’ new music video, in which most beloved member of the Cucurbitaceae plant family becomes the former One Directioner’s Cucurbita-Bae. (Look, if H. Styles can get away with tongue kissing a melon, I can get away with that pun. THERE ARE NO RULES HERE.) To paraphrase the central joke from Harry’s viral Sara Lee sketch, the singer wants to: πŸ†πŸ†πŸ‰πŸ’¦πŸš‚πŸ‘»

harry styles

I am not against this. I am neither a prude nor a prune. I am very fruit-positive and I support enjoying the melon however you can, from seed to salad. As it were. I’m just saying this particular slice is especially juicy and I was not prepared.

harry styles

Call Me By Your Name 2: Still Calling.

YouTube

Truth be told, I should have expected a video a ripe as this one after first hearing “Watermelon Sugar” months ago. At first glance, the lyrics seem to just be a groceries list as Styles namechecks berries and the titular (ahem) melon. But something about the way he sings “I just want to taste it” over and over again leads one to believe that maybe, just maybe, there’s a secret meaning in the song. “Watermelon Sugar” poses that age-old question: is he hankering for a refreshing summer treat or is he talking about cunnilingus?

harry styles

Portrait of a man who knows exactly what he’s doing.

YouTube

The song joins the ranks of such songs as Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti,” DNCE’s “Cake by the Ocean,” Kelis’ “Milkshake,” and Nina Simone’s “Sugar in My Bowl,” all of which put the eating in eating out. And, in case there was any confusion about his intentions, Harry Styles released a video that affirms he is 100% interested in taking the green round mound to pound town. From the first shot, a blank screen dedicating the video to touching, it’s clear that Harry’s got horny season on his mind. What follows is a frolicsome, sun-drenched picnic orgy on the beach. You know what a picnic orgy is, right? It’s like a potluck but the l is replaced with an f. It’s all the rage with the millennials.

harry styles

YouTube

Facing a summer that’s been effectively canceled, Harry’s libidinous light lunch plays out like a dispatch from another, much more sexually active universe. The amount of wanton caressing alone in this video would send Dr. Fauci into a blind rage. Not to mention that the food handling, which definitely does not fall under most delivery services’ “no-contact” practices. Watching these nubile young produce-lovers writhe and cavort as they try to seduce what appears to be an entire watermelon patch is a kind of escape. A horny vacation for the mind, if you will. A randy roadtrip, perhaps.

harry styles' video for 'watermelon sugar'

Is this video safe for work? I honestly have no idea. But when your office is mere feet from your bed and your refrigerator, it’s hard (AHEM) not to get your wires crossed. So, you may be stuck inside this summer, but that’s not stopping you from going to your crisper and getting your freak on.

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