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Yesterday Beyoncé ran up in my house, looked in my fridge, muttered “Oh, boy, I’m lookin’ like I hate what I see,” defrosted a bunch of ground turkey I bought on sale, and then dumped it all in the trash before shouting “Check on that!” I’m not saying it was an altogether unpleasant experience, but I just want to know how she got into my house. And, also, what am I going to eat for dinner?! Well, if you’ve been paying attention to the latest in Beyoncé news (the only news worth paying attention to, tbh), you’ll know that the answer to the second question is “vegetables, grains, and nuts!” Yes, that’s right, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter is back on her buckwheat.
In an Instagram post yesterday, the woman who puts the goddess in “is goddess dressing vegan?” encouraged her fans (the whole world) to join the Greenprint Project, a vegan meal-planning service and advocacy organization.
As the literal carrot in front of the horse, Beyoncé offered one person a lifetime supply of tickets to her concerts with Jay-Z. Before my driver even had time to roll up the partition, I was cursing all meats and dairy, cuddling a baby duck, and Googling “What is Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s secret to eternal life?” But, do I really want to be a vegan for Beyoncé? Also, is there a shirt that says “Vegan for Beyoncé”? Because that would really sweeten the deal.
Now, the green tea is that you don’t actually have to swear a vow to veganism to enter to win the contest for tickets. All you have to do is click on a link in the upper right corner of the Greenprint page and give your name, email address, times you won’t be home, and a DNA sample. Simple! Still, I couldn’t help but wonder, when competing is it cheating if it’s meat I’m eating?
So, just to be sure, please don’t tell Beyoncé I am not a vegan. I am fully prepared to commit to a lifetime of wearing disguises at In-n-Out and politely refusing deviled eggs at family functions while covertly stuffing a plate of them into my special deviled egg carrying case. I do this for the love of Beyoncé. And also the love of two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
There are some who say that Beyoncé isn’t requiring all of her loyal subjects (all creatures great and small) to become vegan, merely advocating for it. But, just like when you boss makes a gentle suggestion, when Beyoncé says “maybe you should become a vegan, just something to think about” she means right now, yesterday, last century. Does Beyoncé to send you a certified letter?! She is serious; she already came for your edges and now she’s coming for your eggs.
Remember when Beyoncé said “World stop” and the actual planet stopped moving? That was a gentle suggestion. Scientists estimate that we lost between 10 and 15 seconds, to which I respond, “She can have it! Take more! You want a whole minute? It’s yours. I’m not doing anything with next Wednesday. Give my Wednesday to Beyoncé.”
So, please, whatever you do, don’t tell Beyoncé, Queen of the Universe, water-walker, the inventor of any and all formations, Michelle Obama’s best friend, and the meat industry’s worst enemy, that I am not, actually, a vegan. Don’t let her know, I beg you.
You can tell Jay-Z though. I ain’t scared.